Harry Potter

[Jonathan]

This is where we will post Harry Potter Fan Fiction.

[Jonathan]

This is the First Chapter of a Parody I wrote of a bad Harry Potter Fanfic called "My Immortal."
It's called "He's Secretly a Muggle".
Chapter 1: The Time Machine

Disclaimer: I don't own Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Tara Gilesbie does.

One day a guy in America named Jonathan was at a Harry Potter Convention when suddenly he saw a strange machine.

"Wow! I wonder what this thing is?!" Said Jonathan

Jonathan went inside the machine and he accidently pressed one of it's buttons.

The Machine violently shook for several minutes and then suddenly it stopped.

"What on Earth just happened?!" Said Jonathan

He stepped out of the machine but he was not at the Convention anymore.

He went back into the machine and looked at it's computer screen. It said that it was a time machine and that Jonathan was currently in Scotland in the year 1996.

"Sweet Mercy! I accidently went 16 Years in the past! But where in Scotland am I?" Said Jonathan

Jonathan got out of the time machine and he saw some buildings. He decided to go near them and all of the sudden he accidently bumped into this girl.

"My goodness! I'm very sorry! Are you okay?" Said Jonathan

"Yep, I'm okay. What's your name?" Said Ebony Way

Jonathan thought to himself, "I don't want to mess up the present so I will lie about myself."

"My name is Gary Stu and I'm from America. Nice to meet you!" Said Jonathan

"Nice to meet you too! My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and this is my Seventh Year at Hogwarts." Said Ebony

"Hogwarts?!",
He thought, He realized he had no choice but to lie and say he was a wizard.

"Umm...Yeah, This is my Seventh Year at Hogwarts too." Said Jonathan

"Which house are you in? I'm in Slytherin." Said Ebony

"I'm in Hufflepuff." Said Jonathan

"I thought Hufflepuff didn't exist?" Said Ebony

"It exists all right, I think someone must have lied to you about Hufflepuff." Said Jonathan

"I guess you have a point. By the way, I'm also a vampire." Said Ebony

"Interesting!" Said Jonathan

"Well, I have to go put on some make-up and get ready for my date with Draco Malfoy. Bye Gary! See you later!" Said Ebony

"Bye Ebony!" Said Jonathan

After talking with Ebony, Jonathan decided to go inside Hogwarts and after stepping in,

He saw that the Sorting Hat Ceremony was taking place.

"What's you're name?!" a voice said.

Jonathan looked around and it was Harry Potter...

To be Continued in Chapter 2...

[Jonathan]

This is Chapter 2 of "He's Secretly a Muggle" called "Jonathan Meets Harry".

Disclaimer: I don't own Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Tara Gilesbie does.

"Harry Potter! Nice to meet you! My name is Gary Stu and I am from America." Said Jonathan

"It's nice to meet you too Gary. Which house are you in?" Said Harry Potter

"Hufflepuff." Said Jonathan

"That's cool. By the way Gary, These are my friends, Ron Wesley and Hermione Granger." Said Harry

"Nice to meet you guys! I've heard so much about you two." Said Jonathan

"It's a pleasure to meet you too Gary." Said Ron Wesley

"It's very nice to meet you Gary." Said Hermione Granger

"Thanks guys! By the way, Am I the only American at Howarts?" Said Jonathan

"It looks that way. There aren't any other Americans that we know of that know at Hogwarts. How did you find out about it Gary?" Said Harry

"My parents were visiting England and they were talking to some other Wizards and they mentioned Hogwarts. My parents decided after hearing about it that they wanted to send me there. It beats working at a Hardee's Drive-Thru." Said Jonathan

"Why haven't we seen you around Hogwarts before?" Said Harry

"Oh Crap! Jonathan thought to himself. "I guess I will have to make up a really good excuse. Even though I totally suck at coming up with excuses."

"Ummm...I kept to myself a lot because I was bored and I had no friends." Said Jonathan

"Well Gary, You have some friends now." Said Harry

"Thank You Harry, Ron, and Hermione. By the way, on my way here to Hogwarts I bumped into this Witch/Vampire named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, Have any of you guys ever heard of her?" Said Jonathan

"Yes, We have. She has gone through some very bad stuff." Said Harry

"Like what Harry?" Said Jonathan

"Well, Last year He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named put a spell on Ebony where she would remember things the wrong way." Said Harry

"Wait a minute, You mean Voldemort?!" Said Jonathan

All of the sudden all the windows at Hogwarts shattered.

"Don't say his name again!" Said Ron

"You mean Voldemort's name?" Said Jonathan

Glasses at the tables started shattering.

"Stop saying his bloody name!" Said Hermione

"I'm sorry guys, I forgot that bad things happen when people mention Voldemort by name. I won't say Voldemort's name ever again I promise." Said Jonathan

Just then, all the tables in the room started falling to pieces.

"Gary, stop saying his name!" Said Harry

"Sorry Harry. Anyways, What kind of things does Ebony remember wrong?" Said Jonathan

"Well, For one thing she thinks that she is in Slytherin when she is actually in Ravenclaw. Which by the way, she also doesn't think that Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff exist and she also thinks I'm in Slytherin too." Said Harry

"That sounds pretty bad. But she is really a Vampire right?" Said Jonathan

"Yep, She is. She also think I'm a Vampire too. Not only that but she also thinks me and the others are Pastafarians. We aren't even religious. She is a Pastafarian though." Said Harry

"She's worse than I thought then." Said Jonathan

Just then, Ebony walked into the room.

"Hi guys!" Said Ebony

"Oh! Hi Ebony! How are you doing?" Said Jonathan

"I'm doing good. I just hope I don't bumped into..." Said Ebony

"DON'T SAY HIS BLOODY NAME AGAIN!" Said Ron

"Who's name?" Said Ebony

"VOLDEMORT'S NAME YOU IDIOT!" Said Ron

Then suddenly statues started randomly falling.

"Wesley you idiot! 100 points from Gryffindor!" Said Snape

"Snape!" Said Harry

After Snape left the room, Harry had a talk with Jonathan and Ebony.

"Now look you guys, Don't say that bloody name ever again okay?!" Said Harry

"Okay Harry, We promise we will never ever say his name again. Right Ebony?" Said Jonathan

"That's right Jonathan! We won't say it again!" Said Ebony

"Good, Well see you guys later!" Said Harry

"Bye Harry!" Said Jonathan and Ebony

"Gary, I have to go too. Bye, See you later!" Said Ebony

"Bye Ebony! See you!" Said Jonathan

After Ebony left Jonathan finally found the room he would stay in after searching for 5 hours.

He started randomly thinking to himself. "I think after everyone is asleep I will go back to the Time Machine and go back home." So Jonathan snook out and found his Time Machine.

But then all of the sudden a Giant came out of nowhere and smashed the Time Machine.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Said Jonathan

Then the Giant heard Jonathan screaming and he ran away.

"I've got to sneak back quietly into Hogwarts!" Said Jonathan

Then the Giant fell over dead.

"What Happened?! It looks like some kind of spell killed this Giant." Said Jonathan

"That is correct Jonathan, I used a very powerful spell to save you." Said Albus Dumblebore

"Dumblebore! Thanks for saving me man! But how did you know my name?" Said Jonathan

"I saw you getting out of the Time Machine. But anyways, it looks as if you're Time Machine is broken." Said Dumblebore

"How am I going to get back to the present now?!" Said Jonathan

"Calm down Jonathan, You don't want the others to find out you're a Muggle. Anyways, I know a Half-Wizard/Half-Muggle that knows all about technology like this Time Machine. He would be able to fix it. But it will take a couple of weeks or even months for it to be possibly fixed. So, for the mean time I will cast a spell on you that will allow you to temporaily use Magic until the Time Machine gets fixed. I'll do this so that you will be able to protect yourself. Are you ready Jonathan?" Said Dumblebore

"Yes, I'm ready Dumblebore." Said Jonathan

So Dumblebore cast the spell on Jonathan and he was able to use Magic.

"Remember Jonathan, Keep all of this a secret." Said Dumblebore

"I promise I will Dumblebore. I'm going back to my room now. See you sir! Bye!" Said Jonathan

"Goodbye Jonathan." Said Dumblebore

So Jonathan headed back to his room but then he heard screaming. He looked around and saw Ebony running away from a Dementor.

"GARY! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! SAVE ME!" Said Ebony

"Uh oh." Said Jonathan

To be Continued in Chapter 3...

[Jonathan]

This is Chapter 3 of "He's Secretly a Muggle" called "Jonathan's First School Day".

Disclaimer: I don't own Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Tara Gilesbie does.

"GARY! THIS DEMENTOR COULD KILL ME! DO SOMETHING!" Said Ebony

"I'm a little bit rusty with my spell casting." Said Jonathan

"JUST CAST A FREAKING SPELL!" Said Ebony

"What should I do now?!" Jonathan thought.

"Hmmmm...Wait a minute, I've got it! I will use that Expecta Patronem Spell or whatever the heck it's called."

"GARY!" Said Ebony

"Okay, Here it goes. EXPECTA PATRONEM!" Said Jonathan

And just like that, Jonathan defeated the Dementor and saved Ebony.

"Gary! You saved my life! Thank you so much!" Said Ebony

So then she started kissing Jonathan and he got away from her.

"Don't do that! I wish to remain single. Besides aren't you still with Draco?" Said Jonathan

"We broke up just before that Dementor attacked me." Said Ebony

"Oh, Well I'm sorry to hear that Ebony. Well, I have to go to bed. Goodnight Ebony!" Said Jonathan

"Goodnight Gary!" Said Ebony

So Jonathan went to his room and went to bed.

The next morning was Jonathan's First School Day at Hogwarts. He only signed up for two classes,

Muggle Studies and Muggle Music. Ironically, Ebony was taking both of these classes too.

But anyways, Jonathan's First Class that Day was Muggle Studies.

"Good Morning my Class, I am your Professor for Muggle Studies. Now then, Today we will learn about the Daily Lives of Muggles. You see, Muggles use electricity, which was invented by an American by the name of Benjamin Franklin. Ever since he invented it, Most people in the world use it for power, except for us Wizards of course. Another thing that makes the Muggles different is that they have very different jobs than we have. Some of them even work at Restaurants that sell Hamburgers by flipping and grilling them." Said Professor Burbage

All of the sudden, Ebony raised her hand.

"Yes Ebony?" Said Professor Burbage

"What are "Hamburgers"?" Said Ebony

Jonathan then started facepalming.

"You don't know what Hamburgers are!? It's Grilled Cow's Meat put between two buns. It's only of the best types of food ever created right behind Pizza." Said Jonathan

"What's Pizza?" Said Ebony

"Gary, I will explain to her. Pizza is bread cooked with Cheese and Tomato Sauce and slices of Pig's Meat called Pepperonis." Said Professor Burbage

"That sounds tasty!" Said Ebony

: "However Ebony, Since you are a Vampire you can't eat Garlic and Pizza has Garlic on it although not always. But enough about food. Anyways, there are also Muggle Jobs like Custodians which are people that clean floors with mops, Plumbers which are people who fix toilets, and also there are Disk Jockeys which are people that have their own shows on Radio Stations. Now then, Your homework for tonight is to write an Essay on what Job you would take if you were a muggle. Well, You may go now my students. If you are also taking Muggle Music then I will see you in about an hour from now. Goodbye! Have a nice day!" Said Professor Burbage

So after the class ended Ebony and Jonathan talked for a little bit.

"So Gary, Would you like to out with me?" Said Ebony

Jonathan started thinking to himself "Holy Crap! What am I to do?! She's hot but she gets annoying. Oh well, I've never been on a date before."

"Alright Ebony, I'll go out with you." Said Jonathan

"Thank You Gary! I know this nice place at Hogsmeade that we could eat dinner at." Said Ebony

"Sounds great! Well, Our Muggle Music Class is about to start. We better hurry to the Classroom!" Said Jonathan

"Okay Gary!" Said Ebony

So they went to the Classroom and the Class started.

"Good afternoon, Everyone. Welcome to the Muggle Music Class! Today, We are going to learn about the Different Types of Music that Muggles listen to. Today, We will start by learning about Rock Music. Now Rock Music is this Type of Music that started in England in 1964. It evolved out of the British Blues Revival and to this day is it still very popular. Anyways, for your work today, You have to write a Rock Song and also learn how to play some basic chords on an Guitar and perform the song in front of the Class. You will use your magic to power the Instruments. Now then, Let's start learning how to play Guitar." Said Professor Burbage

After they learned how to play Guitar, It was time for the Class to end.

"Well then, It looks like class is over then. See you tomorrow everyone. Goodbye! Have a nice day!" Said Professor Burbage

So Jonathan started to write his Rock Song and he was worried about his date with Ebony at Hogsmeade that would be tomorrow night. After he finished writing the Song, He went to bed.

To Be Continued in Chapter 4...

[Jonathan]

This is Chapter 4 of "He's Secretly a Muggle" called "The Date With Ebony".

Disclaimer: I don't own Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Tara Gilesbie does.

Jonathan woke up and he went to his Muggle Studies class. Both he and Ebony turned in their Essays.

Jonathan had written his Essay about wanting to be a Police Officer while Ebony wrote hers about wanting to be a Cashier at Hot Topic.

Jonathan got a 100 on his Essay and Ebony got a 0, Because her's was poorly written and had several grammer errors.

Then an hour later Jonathan went to his Muggle Music class and was ready to perform his Progressive Rock Song.

It was called "When I'm At Hogwarts".

"And now my Class, Put your hands together for Gary Stu with his Progressive Rock Song

"When I'm at Hogwarts". Said Professor Brubage

Jonathan then started performing.

"When I work at Hardee's

I feel like a fool

But when I'm at Hogwarts

I feel really cool

Life in the muggle world is boring

I never have anything to do

But when I'm at Hogwarts

I never feel bored or blue

Chorus

When I'm at Hogwarts

My life is a blast

There are dozens of amazing spells

That I can cast

My hometown just isn't that great

After the terrible summer break

Hogwarts is well worth the wait

Because when I'm at Hogwarts

I feel so awesome

I wish I could stay at Hogwarts

For the rest of my life

I don't want to work at Hardee's

Cutting frozen meat with a knife

Repeat Chorus

I wish I could stay at Hogwarts forever

I don't want to go back to the muggle world ever

Repeat Chorus

After Jonathan was done performing, The whole class went into a frenzy.

They loved Jonathan's Song "When I'm at Hogwarts".

"Bravo, . I'm giving you a 100!" Said Professor Brubage.

"Thank You Professor!" Said Jonathan.

"Okay class, And now it is time for Ebony Way to perform her Song. She says it's a really short Screamo Song called "The Goffik Song". Take it away Ebony!" Said Professor Brubage.

Ebony got on stage and started performing.

"I'm totally Goffik

I freaking hate prepz

and I love shopping

at Hot Topic

I put on a lot of Make-Up

Even though I'm a Vampire

I can't eat garlic

Don't you dare call me a liar

This is my Goffik Song

Goffik Song

Goffik Song

Goffik Song

I couldn't think of anymore lyrics

Because I was too busy

Thinking about Draco Malfoy

He's like totally a major hottie

Oh boy

That was my totally Goffik Song"

After she stopped performing, The crowd started booing her because they hated Ebony's Song "The Goffik Song".

"I'm very sorry Ebony but I'm going to have to give you a 0 for your song." Said Professor Brubage

"WHAT! I worked very hard writing that freaking song!" Said Ebony

"Ebony, You made little to no effort to write decent lyrics and on top of that all you did in the performance was playing the same chords on the guitar over and over and over and your singing in the performance was just you screaming very loudly. It was hurting our ears. This is nothing personal Ebony. The song and the performance just wasn't very good." Said Professor Brubage

"You're no better than those stupid preps that hate Screamo!" Said Ebony

Ebony then ran out of the classroom crying.

Jonathan ran over there and said "Ebony wait!"

Jonathan finally caught up to Ebony and started trying to talk to her to cheer her up.

"Cheer up Ebony, You might have written a bad song but at least we've got our date at Hogsmeade to look forward to." Said Jonathan

"You're right Gary. Let's go to Hogsmeade right now." Said Ebony

"Okay." Said Jonathan

Then they went to the restaurant in Hogsmeade that they were going to eat in for their date.

The restaurant was called "The Hogsmeade Cafe".

They both got inside "The Hogsmeade Cafe" and took their seats.

The waiter came over to their table.

"Hello there, What would you like me to cook for you two lovebirds?" Said the Waiter

"I would like a Pizza with Bacon on it." Said Jonathan

"Okay Sir. Now, What would you like Miss?" Said the Waiter

"I would like some Speghetti with blood please." Said Ebony

"Why the heck are you ordering that? Vampires don't eat Speghetti." Said Jonathan

" LOOK GARY! I MAY BE A VAMPIRE! BUT I AM ALSO A PASTAFARIAN! Said Ebony

"Sorry Ebony, I forgot about that." Said Jonathan

"Will that be all for you two?" Said the Waiter

"Yes" Said both Jonathan and Ebony

While they waited for the waiter to bring them their food, They started talking to each other about what they were going to do after they graduated from Hogwarts.

"So Gary, What do you plan on doing after you graduade from Hogwarts?" Said Ebony

"Ummm... I plan on becoming a Keyboardist and recording a blend of Wizard Rock and Progressive Rock." Said Jonathan

"That sounds amazing!" Said Ebony

"So, What do you plan on doing after graduating from Hogwarts?" Said Jonathan

"Like I said in my essay for Muggle Studies, That I got a 0 on, I want to be a Cashier at a Hot Topic Store." Said Ebony

"That sounds cool I guess." Said Jonathan

Then during the middle of their conversation, The waiter came back to their table and brought them their food.

"Here is your food you two lovebirds." Said the Waiter

"Thank You Mr. Waiter." Said both Jonathan and Ebony

So after they finished their food, Ebony had to go to the bathroom.

After several hours she finally came out of the bathroom.

"Finally! What took you so long?!" Said Jonathan

" I was redoing my make-up." Said Ebony

"When are you never putting on your make-up?!" Said Jonathan

Just then, Ebony ran out of "The Hogsmeade Cafe" crying.

" Crap it, Why does this kind of crap always happen to me?!" Said Jonathan

"Sir, I almost forgot. Here is the bill." Said the Waiter

"I'm sorry but I only have my debit card on me, Will that be okay?." Said Jonathan

"GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT YOU MUDBLOOD!" Said the Waiter

So Jonathan then left "The Hogsmeade Cafe" and headed back to his room.

"This night was terrible! Could things get any worse?!" Said Jonathan

Just then Jonathan looked around and saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione all running away from a Werewolf. They had all misplaced their wands.

"GARY! DO SOMETHING! Said Harry

"Oh crap!" Jonathan though to himself.

"I should have kept my mouth shut."

To Be Continued in Chapter 5...

[Jonathan]

Here is the Final Chapter of "He's Secretly a Muggle" called "The Missing Wands".

Disclaimer: I don't own Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Tara Gilesbie does.

Jonathan got his wand out and got ready to cast the Expecta Patronem Spell.

"Okay, Here Goes Nothing! EXPECTA PATRONEM!" Said Jonathan.

He then defeated the Werewolf and saved Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Thank You for saving our lives Gary. We owe you for that." Said Harry.

"Anytime my friends. By the way, What happened to your wands?" Said Jonathan.

"We had went to watch a Quidditch Match and after we had left, We noticed that someone had broken into our rooms and our wands were nowhere to be found. Our rooms were the last place we put them " Said Ron.

"Sounds like someone stole your wands. But if that is likely the case, Then who would have done such a thing?" Said Jonathan.

"I bet it was..." Said Hermione.

Then Draco Malfoy came out of the darkness holding three wands.

"DRACO! It was you! Why did you do this?" Said Hermione.

"Because I recently started a Wand Shop and I wanted to steal your wands so that I could sell them and make money off of them. Then since you three would have needed new wands then you would have been forced to buy expensive wands from me. It would have been the perfect plan but I wasn't planing on running into you guys and now that you all now about the plan I have no choice but to run off and sell these wands to the Wand Shop." Said Draco Malfoy.

"I won't let you get away with this Draco!" Said Jonathan.

"Oh well, If it isn't Gary Stu, The guy who had an argument with his Girlfriend over Make-Up" Said Draco.

"Wait a minute... How did you... NEVERMIND THAT DOES IT! I challenge you to a dual!" Said Jonathan.

"Bring it on Gary! You know your going to lose anyways." Said Draco.

Then Jonathan pulled out his wand and got ready to dual.

"EXPECTA PATRONEM!" Said Jonathan.

But unfortunely for Jonathan the Spell didn't work so he tried it a second time.

"EXPECTA PATRONEM!" Said Jonathan.

But sadly even the second time he tried, The Spell still didn't work.

"What's wrong Jonathan Garner? Did Dumbledore's Spell stop working on you?" Said Draco.

Then Jonathan's jaw dropped.

"How did you know that?" Said Jonathan.

"While I was stealing the wands I found your Journal which said that you were a American Muggle from the Year 2012 which accidently traveled back in time in a Time Machine to here.

Your Journal also said that in order to prevent the future from becoming messed up you decided to come up with the Alter Ego Gary Stu so that nobody would know that you were a Weak Magicless Muggle. And the Time Machine was destroyed by a Giant but Professor Dumbledore

killed the Giant and saved you. He then proceeded to put a Spell on you so that you could cast Spells. Why he wasted that Spell on a stupid Muggle like yourself I'll never understand." Said Draco.

"I'm sorry Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I should have been honest to you guys in the first place." Said Jonathan.

"Now then, I will finish you off you pathetic Muggle!" Said Draco.

"Well it was nice knowing you guys. Except for Ebony of course." Said Jonathan.

Just as things looked bad for Jonathan, Harry Potter grabbed his wand back from Draco and got involved in the dual.

"I won't let you harm Jonathan! EXPECTA PATRONEM!" Said Harry.

Then Harry won the dual and Draco ran off.

"This isn't the end Potter. I'll get you back soon." Said Draco.

Then after the whole ordeal was over Dumbledore came over to where they all were.

"I saw the whole thing." Said Dumbledore.

"Professor Dumbledore! What it is?" Said Jonathan.

"I have great news for you Jonathan! Professor Burbage was able to fix the Time Machine quicker than we thought it would take to fix it. You can go home now my friend." Said Dumbledore.

"That's wonderful Professor! But before I return to my home in the Present, Would you mind if I said goodbye to my friends? Said Jonathan.

"Sure Paul but make it quick." Said Dumbledore.

Then Jonathan went over to Harry, Ron, and Hermione to say goodbye to them.

"Gary-I mean Jonathan. I know you lied to us about who you were but it was kind and brave of you to save us from that Werewolf. Without you helping us we probably would have been dead meat.

That's why I saved you, To return the favor." Said Harry.

"Thanks Harry. I'll never forget any of this. Except for Ebony of course." Said Jonathan.

"You aren't going to say goodbye to her? I mean, I know that you dumped her but you could at least forgive her before you leave." Said Hermione.

"I'm with Hermione on this." Said Ron.

"Sorry guys, But I can't forgive her. She never knows when to stop putting on her Make-Up and that annoyed the crap out of me." Said Jonathan.

"We understand Jonathan. Well, Goodbye Jonathan. We'll all miss you." Said Harry.

"Goodbye mate." Said Ron.

"Goodbye Jonathan. Be careful now." Said Hermione.

" I will guys. Goodbye everyone." Said Jonathan.

So Jonathan went over to where the Time Machine was and got ready to go back to the Present.

"Goodbye Jonathan, We'll all miss you." Said Dumbledore.

"Same here. I'll never forget how much of a Hard Working Student you were." Said Professor Burbage.

"Goodbye Professor Dumbledore and Professor Burbage!" Said Jonathan.

Then Jonathan went into the Time Machine and tried to remember which button he accidently pressed so that he could go back in time.

"Wait a minute, I remember, It was this one." Said Jonathan as he pressed the button.

Then the Time Machine violently shook and took Jonathan back to the present.

To be Continued in Chapter 5 of "Jonathan's Apartment"...

The End